Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.