“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.