Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.