Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.