a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.