Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.