It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish