I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
iPhone X
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”