The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’