[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia