Hitlers gonna hitl
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In the mood for a horror show so I鈥檓 gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven鈥檛 heard any screaming so I think we鈥檙e good.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I feel like IBM isn鈥檛 being roasted enough for their company name.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they鈥檒l melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
not to brag, but mine was free
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 馃槵
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
bury ourselves
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should