Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of michael_raphone's best tweets

@michael_raphone : there's two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

@michael_raphone: [describing a chair] it's like a swing without all the drama

@michael_raphone: BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@michael_raphone: [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@michael_raphone: INTERVIEWER: under skills you've listed "gets jokes" ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

@michael_raphone: I've got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

@michael_raphone: Actually, the past tense is 'hanged' as in 'he hanged himself'. Sorry about your dad, though

@michael_raphone: "Can you make me look like this?" *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*