You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*mops up wine with cat*
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?