A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy