Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Important reminders
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring