To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever