While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.