Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
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Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.