Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
You Might Also Like
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Home is where your toilet is.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.