Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
i will not be silenced
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.