I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
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My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.