“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
that colleague who touches your screen
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
When someone says you are so lazy
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*