I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
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The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking