I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
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My daily affirmation
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.