[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.