My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe