“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Somebody’s lying.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.