Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mjkspeaks's best tweets

@mjkspeaks : [call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

@mjkspeaks: [Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

@mjkspeaks: [interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

@mjkspeaks: [at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

@mjkspeaks: a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

@mjkspeaks: [argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i'm about to find out

@mjkspeaks: [hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

@mjkspeaks: ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

@mjkspeaks: [at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe