I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
You Might Also Like
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in