lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
i actually laughed 😩
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to