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RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*