If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*