as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
You Might Also Like
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.