For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
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date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.