I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
HELP 😭
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.