@mommywhitfield: Me: I just want to be the center of someone's universe
Also me: Not like that
@mommywhitfield: Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
@mommywhitfield: *Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
"Aw! Aren't you sweet?"
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
@mommywhitfield: "Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.