Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle