When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
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I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Broom by every window for quick escape.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.