President The Rock Obama
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
this is funnier than any friends episode
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once