I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
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Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
If snakes were wide
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.