If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
mechanics be like
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Breaking news:
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside