WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.