My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*