My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
that lip filler tho
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years