Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of moooooog35's best tweets

@moooooog35 : Mechanic: Your car won't pass inspection Me: Here's $20 to look the other way Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won't pass inspection

@moooooog35: The sun isn't even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

- birds

@moooooog35: The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

@moooooog35: A bright side to having kids is that if I'm ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

@moooooog35: Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

@moooooog35: Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You're old, that's going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

@moooooog35: Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

@moooooog35: Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

@moooooog35: Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I'd be shopping at the dollar store.

@moooooog35: I don't trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.