When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals