@moooooog35: The sun isn't even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
@moooooog35: The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
@moooooog35: A bright side to having kids is that if I'm ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
@moooooog35: Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
@moooooog35: Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You're old, that's going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
@moooooog35: Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
@moooooog35: Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
@moooooog35: Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I'd be shopping at the dollar store.
@moooooog35: I don't trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.