Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.