I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what