me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
life finds a way
bias laundering edition
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl