I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that