One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Free him
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The Joker was right
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.