Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Thrilling chase underway
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
If you need a laugh.. 😅